Seeds - Back to Hell With You!

The world is changing rapidly, and, as Terrence McKenna pointed out, the rate of increase in complexity and activity seems to be increasing.  Some folks speak of an Armageddon, a Ragnarok, a Singularity, and I can't comment as to what that will or would look like, but our species does seem to be in a plastic, stretchy, alter-y time, and things are moving to a head (if they haven't already passed it).

I think that at this time more than any other it is important to keep an eye out for bullshit and call it when you see it.  Even, or especially, if it comes from you.  Don't base your decision about what is or is not bullshit around anyone else, either - use your own mind and intuition to form these opinions.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't take other people's opinions or thoughts into account, I'm saying, please, for the love of all that is (and I am not being facetious or flippant when I say that it should be "for the love of all that is"), please use your own internal bullshit filters.

You'll be wrong about some things.  I certainly am, and have been.  But you'll be less wrong than you would be if you just listened to and agreed with someone else.  Whether they are someone who is painted as a whacked-out conspiracy theorist or as Someone Who You Should Trust, please, again, for the love of all that is, think and feel before you decide to agree with them, and if something feels off, take some quiet internal time to figure out what that is and follow the trail of discomfort back to its source.  It is (always, but especially now) time to let people know that we are wise to their tricks and traps and that this is NOT acceptable.

Also, read this blog post by the inimitable Gordon White, especially the last couple of paragraphs; they are very pertinent to this and to a lot of things that are going down right now:

He says, "You just need to see these things moving. You just need to call bullshit on their bullshit. The clue is in the name but dark power can only ever move in the dark. If you shine a light on it, if you reject it, then it will eventually fail. Here is where the storytellers have left us without a map. We may just have turned the tide on unstoppable forces but that doesn’t mean the tide has gone out. We have more than the last few moments of the third act to go."

Read more: http://runesoup.com/2012/12/the-betrayal-of-the-storytellers/#ixzz2ls5y9B8A

It's never too late to start, especially considering that this all started a long, long time ago, and new betrayals of our trust are starting every day.  Nip the new ones in the bud and help the rest of us take an industrial sized chainsaw to the old ones (and to the Old Ones?).  Start here and now and today.

Leaves - Mindfulness Meditation

Oh, there are so many things that I want to share now.

I think a description and discussion of my mindfulness practice will come first, largely because of how helpful it has been overall in life.  Seriously, if you practice no other kind of meditation, if you put forth no other effort to clean or inspect your consciousness, if you embrace no other type of spirituality, try mindfulness meditation.  Twenty minutes a day; it's like exercise for your psyche.  You CAN find the time for it, most days.

Sit down, be comfortable, try to sit cross-legged with your ankles lower than your tail bone (which generally means sitting with your rear end on a pillow or cushion and have your feet on the floor).  Close your eyes (optionally, focusing them upwards towards your forehead, but really, you can just let them rest), and breathe deeply.  Pay attention to your breath.  To help make things even easier, pay attention to one specific spot, preferably your diaphram or solar plexus.

Do this for twenty minutes.  Set an alarm or something.

It's tough at first.  Early on in regular practice you'll get bored and wonder what time it is.  You'll want to fidget, you'll want to get up and move.

You WILL think of other things.  This is absolutely inevitable.  When you think of something other than the gentle, calm motion of your diaphragm, move your attention back to it.  That's all you need to do.  Don't get frustrated by the fact that you are thinking of other things; that's part of the process.  Any time something else comes to mind, gently re-direct your attention to your diaphragm, and to your breathing.  I often use the imagery of being a rock in the river, letting the thoughts slip past me, and focus on being the rock.  Once the thoughts stop trying to slip past me, I let the river and being the rock slip past me.  It's that simple.

Except when it isn't.

I've observed over time that my mind likes to play tricks.  One of the ones that has come up recently has been, "All right, you're done, time's up!" without the alarm having gone off.  I'm not sure where that one is coming from.

Another one is the miniature dreams.  Once I had a pretty good grasp on controlling my conscious thoughts, I would start getting spontaneous visions and dream sequences.  As soon as I recognize them as such, I go back to my diaphragm and my focus of attention.  Sometimes these sequences are wild, and I've had the urge to record them, but a voice within me suggests that that is not a good idea; that holding on to these images and dreams would be counterproductive because part of what I am doing with them is releasing them.

There are numerous articles online and in books, both new age and sooooper sciencey, that speak about the benefits of basic meditation practice.  I'm going to make myself unpopular here by arguing one thing that a lot of the fluffier articles state: that ANYTHING that you do can be meditation.  Don't feel like sitting around breathing (such articles will state), no worries, put on your headphones and walk the dog!  Sit and read a good book!  Make some tea and watch TV.  Anything that you do that is relaxing is as good as meditation.

The problem is, neither serious spiritual practitioners nor the serious scientific research behind meditation back these things up.  The practice that I describe here is the most basic and simple form of meditation, and there are far more advanced and complex versions that I've taken part in in the past, including ones involving guided imagery, physical motion, and music, but a lot of the activities that are suggested as alternatives (hey, I ride a bike, that's the same as meditating!) do not involve the conscious focus/lack of focus, the mindfulness, that a regular, disciplined meditative practice has.

As I rebuild my spiritual practice I am working hard at starting from the ground up again.  Mindfulness seems to be the way to go.  I've got other things going on, but as long as I spend a little time in mindfulness and a little time attempting to make a spiritual connection during the day I don't feel that I've fallen behind.

Try incorporating it into your practice.  It's like brushing your teeth, combing your hair, and eating your greens for your pysche.  The differences will be nearly immediately visible, and after a while, you'll notice if you haven't gotten your daily dose of mindfulness.

Seeds - A Renaissaince

It has been well over a year since I've published here, and I'm only now returning to it.  A lot has happened in the last year, regarding myself and my understanding of who I am on multiple levels of being.

On a social level, I came out of the closet as transgender, and began to live openly as the person who I am.  This ties in closely with the spiritual level, where I've had a serious reset and re-examination of what I believe.

Over the course of this past year I've lived through a dark night of the soul.  Surrounded by voices online that tried to convince me that everything was nothing, that nothing mattered, that all was pointless, that I should give up trying to find meaning or understanding the world because it was just a bunch of random, pointless, empty crap.

Hogwash.

The places I traveled to and through to climb out of the pits of numbness and abandon were many and varied.  My partner held me in a tent in a campground while I ranted drunkenly about nihilism and wept and tore at myself.  I consulted a Heathen priestess and pushed her to channel a Kemetic Goddess, which turned into a strange and stirring occasion for the other participants and observers as much as it was for me.  I forced myself to look, eyes skinned and blank-wide, over and over into the abyss of nothing that I was continually told was behind everything.  I confronted the idea of Nothing, of Absence, of ultimate, total loss, and I've been tempered by it.  I stood beneath the sky when the planets formed a hexagram and opened a window to the Limitless Light and heard secrets that I was told that I would forget until I needed to know them, and saw the paths to the light.

This is no accident.  This is design.  The design exists at all levels.  We are not alone.

And, just as I am writing this, I receive a message from a complete stranger:

"May the light shine through you and give you strength, 
keep the faith."

So, this blog is starting back up.  When I stood beneath the hexagram I was told over and over again that it was time for me to let my light shine, and this is going to be one of the prisms or lenses through which I cast it.  So be it.

Namaste, Amma, We Are One

Flowers - Kaffeklatsch with Fulla

Since a friend of mine had a dream where I was sitting on the porch of Frigga's hall, drinking coffee and gossiping with Fulla, I've felt the pull to do something with her - Fulla, that is.

So, that's what I did this morning.  I read a bit more about her, brewed a pot of white chocolate raspberry coffee, and was going to do a standard Blot, but that felt wrong.  So I tied a yellow scarf on my head, sat down in front of the altar (after all of the Hails!) and drank coffee and shared gossip with her.

It was a wonderful experience, to say the least.  She was gracious, friendly, and positive, and the vibes were good.

Highlights:

"Yes, I am Full.  When I am full, I share."

Find shoes for her to bless.

Do a Pagan Fulla Kaffeklatsch.  With multiple people.  She really seemed to like the idea.

Blessed Be!

The Branches: Eros and Psyche

Tonight I participated in the Mystery of Eros and Psyche, part of the Liturgy of the Fellowship of Isis.

Here is my report:

At the Invocation to Venus at the beginning, I felt her lift my head by my chin.  I couldn't really see Her when I looked, and she told me to use the sacred water from my altar to clear my vision, so I washed my brow with it.

The Rite and the story that it tells touched me profoundly.  I will try here to impart the wisdom that I feel that I received:

Psyche did not mean to draw the worship from the Goddesses.  She did not know the consequences of the adoration of mankind, when they paid attention to her rather than to the Divine.  She did not realize that the world would fall into disorder as a result, which is why she approached the Delphic Oracle to ask aid.

When it came to the period of contemplation, it felt like Juno, Ceres, and Venus spoke to me each in turn.  This is the gist of what I was told.

Psyche erred in thrusting forward the Flame of Truth.  Truth should not be used as a weapon.  Let the light of Juno's lamp gently illuminate, and see what it there.  Witness.  See the contours.  As a result she burned Eros, and drove him away.

Every act performed in love of spirit is an act of worship of divinity.  The Goddess does not abandon you; you fail to reach out to Her instead reaching out for the material that cloaks Her and that She shapes.  When you reach for the matter of a thing, be it a physical object or objective or a feeling you wish to experience, rather than seeking to interact with Spirit through it, you do as the mortals who abandoned the altars of Juno, Ceres, and Venus did.  Always act in Spirit.  Always act in the Goddess.  Your every act will then be an act of worship, a part of the Divine dance and interplay.  Do not abandon Juno, Ceres, and Venus for Psyche.  Discourage others from doing so through you as well.  To ignore the Goddess is to leave yourself vulnerable, without their aid and guidance.

I asked for all of their aid, and the aid of my Matron, in accomplishing this.  It seemed clear to me that it was not to be a constant struggle of the mind.  It was a way to act, and to be.

My personal contemplations, post-ritual:

When I first read the rite and wanted to perform it, it was because I was seeking a Rite that would help me unify disparate parts of myself.  The Student at the beginning asked about how to reconcile Love and Truth.

However, when I performed the Rite, the focus seemed to be different than what first attracted me to it, and I think that that is telling, given the revelations that I received.  I was looking for one thing, a thing in myself, and answer to a greater wholeness.  I did not find it in the way I thought I had.

Venus speaks of the love and beauty that is in the moment, that is always about.  That the what is accomplished through force and bloodshed yield fruits of pain over time.  Every moment is filled with it.  She reminds us that the weeds are as lovely as the carefully planted rows.  That there is a well of ecstasy inside all of us at every moment.  This is the Love.

The Truth is what I had been overlooking: that that beauty is imminent.   There are things all around me that I am neglecting in favor of things so far-off as not to be here.

I am still absorbing these things, still letting them sink in, and I have a study guide to complete for this ritual.  I hope I can find the union of Love and Truth within me, two principles that I have always considered important.  I hope to absorb the gnosis of these things fully, and that the gentle light of Truth will help me to understand the topography of the Love that is all around me.

Even if it is not the fusion that I thought I would achieve when I first read the rite, I hope that I find it.  I was drawn to it for a reason, it is an important lesson that I must pay heed to in my life and ways.

I hope to do and be in Spirit, and never leave the altars neglected.  Love spirit.  Love Love.

Blessed Be

The Flowers - Butterfly Vortex

Butterflies were everywhere today.  I stood on the corner of the street and was surrounded by a veritable Butterfly Vortex.  I made sure to thank them and asked them to help me learn what they came to show me and accept it as well.  I hope that Butterfly is patient with me.

My cursory research associates butterflies with the soul (in many, many traditions apparently) and with transformation and becoming.  I know that there is great change ahead of me; I hope that I can hang on and ride it out to the fullest.

Butterflies are also beautiful, and remind me of the beauty in life.

Butterflies!

A Falling Leaf - A Humbling Experience

Tonight someone asked me jokingly what I'd accomplished.  I responded with a spew of comments laden with vitriol, calling the person out for calling me a slacker, and enumerating the things that I've done and do that feel were worthy or good, and all of the ills that I've survived that haven't turned me darker.

He replied to me, upset at my tone and what I'd said.  I hadn't realized that he had been joking.  I probably should have, but I'm not good at that at the best of times, and online I can be downright terrible about it.  I apologized, and cleared it up, but could tell that he was still hurt.  I had said some harsh things.

I was sickened when I realized how hurtful I had been, and how proud I'd sounded.  How proud I was of little victories, and of supposedly surviving things that I felt had made me stronger.  I had, and am still riding, and unpleasant wave of humility and perspective; not the virtous kind but the kind that puts you in your place.  The kind that reminds you that you are small, and that no matter what you've done, it will never measure up to what you'd really wished you'd do. Even now I'm fighting to write this in an impartial way, neither to fall to the error of giving myself too much credit or generalizing my faults as being things that "we all do".

I work close to myself.  I help my friends and loved ones where I can, but maybe I'm still a lazy and selfish creature in a lot of ways.  Maybe I am an ass.  I certainly acted like one tonight.  All of the paths that people consider to be the greater paths of service to humankind are things that paralyze me: as a modern soldier, how could I be sure that I would be fighting for right?  As a charity worker, how could I ensure that the things I provide wouldn't just go to supporting a corrupt system?  That's why I try to work locally, on the people and places and things that I know. 

At the same time, I am fully disgusted with myself for my laziness, my small-mindedness, my elitism, arrogance, and pride.  While I was penning that outburst, I was full of self-righteous anger, defining myself by my accomplishments.  When my friend replied to me, hurt, I could only see how small and petty those things were, and couldn't but feel that I'm fooling myself about my own positive effect on the world.

How can I know that what I do is good?  How can I be sure?

I wanted to beg the Goddess for forgiveness, for some kind of absolution, and very clearly felt in my heart, "Only you can make your heart as light as the feather.  Only you can absolve yourself.  Only you can forgive yourself."  I can only absolve myself of my guilt at laziness, arrogance, and wasted time by behaving differently, and to my satisfaction.  I want to take this lesson, take this feeling of smallness, and keep it as a reminder, a calibration along the rod by which I measure myself.

I've done good things, but when I look at myself I realize that I can do more, and that I am not satisfied with what I have done thus far.  People tell me that I think too much of others and not of myself often enough.  Right now I'm fairly certain that the reverse is true.  I don't know if I want to be selfless, but I want to feel worthy of my own admiration and that which others give me again, and not be satisfied to be puffed up on false pride.